Hello everyone! Assuming you’ve all read the title you clicked on, this isn’t the most fun of subjects to discuss, so if you feel triggered in any way by discussing miscarriage please skip past this post. This post is in no way meant to make anyone sad or feel bad for me, but instead to connect us and bring awareness to a very important and common issue.
If you read my last post, “Life Update: We’re Expecting!” I briefly mentioned that this baby is a rainbow baby, and throughout this post I will be going into all sorts of detail about my experience. I have wanted to write about this for a really long time and I am so happy to be getting around to it! First things first, I want to say the only reason I am putting this out there is to hopefully help someone that might be going through or has been through the same thing. Each experience I had, I scoured the online discussion boards and every website I had found looking for anyone who might have felt what I was feeling or had a story of a positive outcome or honestly just anything I could relate to. I am generally a very private person about my personal life, my best friend had no idea until weeks into my current pregnancy about what exactly I was going through. I Strongly detest pity or being looked at like I’m damaged, so sharing isn’t my strongest of attributes lets just say, but hey I am working on it!
This whole process started out in July of last year, 2017. By no means were we trying to get pregnant, our finances weren’t in order and we were just having fun being young and trying to get schooling done. So when I took that fun little test that showed up with two very faint oink lines, you could say I was surprised! I told Justin and we were both incredibly confused on what the best decision was, we are both pro choice and were not sure if it was the right thing or if we were in the right place financially to do so. It was an incredibly painstaking few days, but in the end we decided we would accept this challenge and try this new adventure. I had scheduled a doctors appointment for the following week and told a very small group of our closest the news. My mom wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate, and I remember just not feeling very well, bloated and just overall sick feeling. When I went home and used the restroom, there was just the faintest pink on the toilet paper. Throughout the night and morning, more bleeding started happening and Justin was out of town so I had my mom take me to the hospital. I was taken back quickly, blood drawn, asked the same 5 questions over and over while dozens of hands poked and prodded me. The last step was an ultrasound in which the tech saw nothing at all, and it really started to sink in. The blood results came back and the HCG was incredibly low, they informed me that this happens all the time and wasn’t my fault, one in four pregnancies are miscarriages. So I went home and all 5 stages of grief hit me at once I think. I am not a very emotional being, and I felt like I was insane. I think what you hear the least about is the sheer desperation you feel for this not to be happening, and the uncontrollable self loathing for your body that isn’t doing what it supposed to. I was furious, resentful to the universe, and a different kind of disappointed I have not yet felt before. The worst part was having to tell the people that knew. I was already such a disappointment to myself, and now I am letting everyone else down too, fabulous. I am not good with change, and this giant thing that was about to happen to us made me view all of our plans upcoming and future differently, so when it was abruptly taken away all of those things were now dreaded. Justin’s wonderful cousin gave birth to a beautiful baby girl the same day I started miscarrying and I couldn’t look at her photo for weeks. Warped tour, my birthday, and a joint planned birthday trip to Disneyland and Universal studios that I was so looking forward to turned into things I didn’t even want to acknowledge let alone celebrate. All i could think in a very sarcastic tone was “Well, I guess I can drink at warped tour” or “Well, guess I can ride roller coasters now.” Everything was a brutal reminder of what I wasn’t experiencing. The part of myself I fear the most is the incredible capability I have of hiding what I am feeling, and I did a good job. Of course as time went by the feeling got easier to push away, and I started feeling a little bit normal again. Excited for the holidays and to spook up the place for Halloween.
Although I can’t remember the exact time, I’m thinking it was near thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant again. This time was much different, as I would not allow myself to go forth unguarded as I did the first time so I expected nothing of it. I told no one apart from my husband, and I made my doctors appointment immediately. My first appointment they did an ultrasound only spotting a tiny gestational sack, surmising I was about 4 weeks along. For whatever reason they wanted me to wait about 6 weeks for my next ultrasound, and wanted me to get a blood test weekly to observe my HCG hormone levels. Throughout those blood testing weeks, all the tests came back normal and rising as time went on. I started to feel morning sickness around the “8 week” mark, and was incredibly nervous for my next appointment. Meanwhile I was obsessively researching online about statistics of another miscarriage, the “safe period”, causes for miscarriage, people who had one, literally anything I could find that remotely related. I was hoping to be able to hear a heartbeat for this appointment, I told my husband as I headed out the door.I chose to go alone to all first appointments because I deal with bad news better on my own. When I went in, the nurse offered to prop my head up so I could see, and then there was a solid 3 minutes of silence until the doctor started talking. All he could see was a gestational sac, and more than likely a miscarriage due to a blighted ovum. (A blighted ovum happens when the zygote forms and it is not a viable embryo for chromosomal reasons, so the body doesn’t continue the pregnancy) I get the same spiel as last time, not my fault, nothing I could do. Emotionally, I was much better this time as I had prepared myself for this. I was instructed to get a more detailed ultrasound as soon as my (crappy) insurance approved it to confirm, and it would make its exit naturally or we could surgically remove it (D&C). I went home dreading the walk upstairs to the apartment to have to tell Justin that this was another failure. He was supportive and empathetic as always, I cried for a few days, and waited for what was to come. I started bleeding a few days before the ultrasound so I deemed it unnecessary and also (stupidly) refused the hospital due to the terrible previous experience. Let me tell you, this one was different. The pain was excruciating, *warning its about to get gross up in here* and I could feel my body contracting to get this thing out. I have never seen so much blood at once, I had giant hunks of tissue that looked like liver coming out of me, and I was filling up grandma style pads every 5 or so minutes. I would contract, waterfall, get 5 minutes of rest then back at it again. This lasted for about 16 hours, then it was done. Previously, I had bled lightly for almost 3 weeks, but this was much quicker and far more painful. It took me a while to physically recover from that, instead of mentally like last time.
The third time, a day before I was even due for my cycle I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, sending me into a panic cycle in my dream where i was running around hysterically. I had an extra test from previous times, so I thought, whatever ill just take it cause that dream freaked me out so much. The test I had was a digital anyway, they take more hormone to read positive and they rarely stay good in the package. So when I looked at the screen at it said “+Yes” i had a mini panic attack in my bathroom and decided what I should do about telling Justin, he was just about to go on a long trip for the Worlds Disc Golf tournament and I knew this would stress him to the max about worrying about me while he was gone, so I decided to keep it to myself! I made a doctor appointment for when he was gone and tried not to think about it. after 2 recurrent miscarriages, there is a %30 you will miscarry again, so I was much less than hopeful. When I went in for my appointment we did an ultrasound, I was not expecting to see anything at all, and there it was, a little flicker on the screen! There was finally something I could see, something with a heartbeat. I immediately was worried for myself, as I knew this would be harder to move on from if lost. That’s the thing about miscarrying, you know you will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy in a normal healthy way because the fear is too much. I have been struggling to accept this pregnancy, I had a strict rule for anyone around me that knew after 12 weeks to not be excited or show excitement around me because nothing was guaranteed and I couldn’t handle the guilt again. I have had bad morning sickness from week 7, and I probably would have kept it secret from everyone around me if I could have otherwise. I still worry every day even at 23 weeks, and conflict with myself allowing myself to be excited. It is getting easier as time goes by, but I don’t think I will ever not be worried. I constantly think I am jinxing myself by letting people know now, and felt a lot of remorse and regret for posting anything after seeing all the excitement and support.
The truth is, there is no way to understand what miscarrying feels like when you have no other children and are young and healthy unless you experience it yourself. I have had the utmost empathy and thought I could imagine what some of my friends and family had been through, but its different than you could ever imagine. My utmost hope with sharing my story is to hopefully be a source of comfort for someone searching, and to let you know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. Please, if you want to reach out and talk, I am open as a book and I am always here. Sharing our experiences only makes us stronger together. This is so much more common than people think, you are not damaged goods, and you are validated.
Now, after that heavy-ass bit of writing, thank anyone who stuck with me through this journey. Ill be the first to admit I haven’t been the most pleasant to be around while sorting through my emotions, you guys the real MVP’s.
Thank you so much to everyone for their support, it really does mean the wold and now i have finally come to realize that if anything did go wrong, you would all be here for me ❤
Stay tuned for a lot more cheerful of posts coming out soon!
All The Love,